The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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