I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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