it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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