I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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