i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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