you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
