i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
