Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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