why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what day is it and did you see me today?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
