guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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