so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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