You smell like a Billy Joel song
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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