I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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