He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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