You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
