I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
