who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
