remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize