new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
