everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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