your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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