i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
