i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it glows. i had to have it.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
