Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
