the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
