New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
