When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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