i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My liver just had a heart attack.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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