I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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