So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
