my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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