Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
her vagine was all disorganized.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
