Umm I'm too high to move.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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