I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
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