I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Randomize
