I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
