piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Buhtt sex?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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