I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
