rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
