im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
