I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
