Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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