Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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