I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
