I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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