sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
