we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wear drunk well.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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