if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
