3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
