you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
