its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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