i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize