Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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