I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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