so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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