I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The beer is more important than you right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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