I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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