Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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