how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
