So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
