Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize